Fuck you houseguest

Dear annoying House Guest who shall remain nameless,

I am NOT your fucking mother, my house is NOT a fucking hostel, and my couch is not your bed away from home.

Sure I would love for you to come over, hang out, lets bbq and throw back a couple of tall ones...and if you get shit faced...yes of course you should sleep on my couch. In the morning lets go out to breakfast, your treat of course oh and yes you should drive us there and back as a small token of your appericiation. And then my friend...GO THE FUCK HOME. I DONT WANT to spend the rest of the fucking day with you. I have my own shit to do House Guest. I may want to have a new and completly different House Guest over. I may want to walk around naked in my house , wearing only flip flops with a peice of toilet paper stuck to the bottom. I may want to stare at the ceiling while making high pitched noises resembling bird calls. The point is House Guest - we had fun...OUR time is over now... its time for you to go. Dont let the door hit you in your fat fucking lazy ass on the way out.

Oh and another thing House Guest. When you come over, it is traditional American culture to bring something with you...a thoughtful gift for your gracious host. A 24 case of Bud, a loaf of bread, skittles...anything really. It is bad manners to show up at someones place of residence empty handed especially when you plan on staying ALL MOTHERFUCKING weekend. Especially when you fucking invited your self in the first fucking place you pussy.

Oh and one more thing House Guest...I am NOT your fucking Mother...who to you is not only a maid, but your babysitter, your conselor and your personal chef. Just because I happen to have a vagina does not give you the right to put me to work in my own house. I WILL NOT: pick up your empty beer cans, hang up your wet bath towel, do my dishes which you ate my food off of, pick up my own fucking cd's you left out of their precious jackets, clean up the puddle of water you left on my floor when your retarded ass tried to make a pot of coffee. Oh no these are things I wont do for you House Guest. You have crossed the House Guest line again and again and unfortunatly for you there is no going back. You have shown yourself to be so incompetent at proper guesting that you will not be allowed to guest at me casa again amigo....sianara, mother fucker.

Thanks.

Hey, fuck you Albertsons

Fuck you Albertsons. You aint Safeway bitch. Answer me this: Why cant I pay for my sandwich at the deli? You made it here, now I gotta go wait in line for 10 minutes to pay? Or better yet do the whole self-checkout thing? BAG MY FUCKING GROCERIES YOU FUCKING WHORE!!!!!!! I might as well grow the fucking food myself, what is this? What happened to customer service, tell me that, where did it go? Albertsons, youre a homophobic faggot, and you wish you were Lucky's....ohhhhh, thats right, I havent forgotten, you piece of shit, you cant just take over one of the greatest grocery chains, change the name, and put a bunch of drug-addicted illiterates in there and think it will be ok with the public. And your in-store brand Essentia, it sucks, and its expensive, two words for you: Safeway Select, home of the 15 cent cola. I shit on your face Albertsons, I shit on it all day long, except for tuesdays, I cant resist your $5.00 fried chicken dinner special, its damn good.

Fat Bastard

Hey, fuck you, fat bastard. I didn't want to stay at your shitty hotel, but I had no choice. Give Tony his $69 back and we'll spare your life. Why did you call the cops, fat bastard? They didn't even want to kick us out. Hey fat bastard, you were the only stain on an otherwise nice visit to Portland. Fuck you, fat bastard, for making me sleep in my car. I hate your face, fat bastard, and I despise your free coffee and newspaper in the morning.

Hey, fuck you wendsday

Fuck you wendsday, with your after tuesday ways, and your before thursday attitude, your trully an asshole. Is the week halfway over or has it just begun, I cant tell, cause your a piece of shit. Id love to drink tonight but I dont want to fuck up friday night thats only two days away, but at the same time, its been 5 fuckin days since the last time, 4 days is one thing, which is why tuesdays work. Are you even necesary, wendsday, you dick, I wouldnt miss you, and I can name a few comrades that are with we on that note, just not off the top of my head. Dont be smug you assfuck, hiding behind thurday like your his bitch, next tuesday im staying up late, and come midnight, Im taking a piss all over your face you shitbag, see you in a week.

Fuck you awkward elevator silence

Hey, fuck you awkward elevator silence. Should I talk, stay silent, what the fuck man!! Its a 30 second ride, what can be accomplished? "Hi, how are you?" who the fuck cares, I sure as fuck dont, or do I? I hope not cause Im getting off before you can even answer dickhead. Elevator silence, your the equivalent to a mute jabberjaws, just shut your ugly face, you talk too fucking much. Whats worse is the whole bottom floor to the top floor episodes, and theres 4 people in the box, and youre the poor fuck next to the buttons. What are you looking at fuck face, do I look like a fuckin button boy to you? I work on the TOP floor dickless, middle-aged, failure, you push my buttons. I dont say that though, Im more of what you would call a passive agressive, no instead I ask which floor, push the button, then I get off on your floor and pee on the toilet seat in the bathroom on that floor and hope you have to poo later that day, Im that guy, have a nice fuckin day. Your lucky im lazy, elavator silence, lucky indeed. I will deal with your twisted games daily only because 10 flights of stairs is not a fuckin option. I hate you, almost as much as I hate the fuck that tries to break you, with his "nice weather today, isnt it" or the "do you know what time it is" lady. Its quarter past awkward lady and Im late for an important meeting with the toilet bowl on your floor.